Healthy Marriage Starts Here...

I don't think any of you could fathom it would be SO hard. Marriage, that is. The honeymoon phase passes, and those little things you thought were so endearing at the start are now...

completely and utterly...

ANNOYING.

It's okay. We've all been there. The beard you fell in love with is now all over your bathroom sink. The way she sang and hummed to herself all the time is now white noise you live with day in and day out. The quirks and uniqueness that drew you to your partner are the very things that get under your skin.

You're not the only one. And there's nothing wrong with you for getting to this point, or for wondering after you're 1, 2, or 3 years down the road if you made a mistake. You're normal. And you can still have a healthy marriage.

The Honeymoon Phase

Man...this phase is the best, isn't it? Your partner can do no wrong in your eyes, and all is bliss.

One article noted this phase as one in which tolerance is at an all-time high. So when your partner flings their shoes off their feet when they get home and leaves them there, you're kinda like "Oh... nice landing". They also mentioned that there is limited reactivity from each partner toward the other's flaws (Danielle and co-authors, 2022), which makes sense, since at first everyone's eyes seem blinded by their partner's goodness.

The article suggests different phases of a relationship, and it seems that problems mostly arise when a couple is out of the initial phase... the "honey can do no wrong stage..."

As things progress to the different stages, things become a little less bearable. The shoe toss was cute the first 14 times, and then BAM... you simply cannot do it anymore. You share your frustration at first in a passive-aggressive kind of way, like, "Hey, next time try and land it on the shoe rack!"

The cycle begins with this unhealthy back-and-forth between you and your partner, and becomes hard to get out of. But there is hope in having a healthy marriage with healthy communication.

How to Communicate for a Healthy Marriage

Almost every couple I have seen in counseling comes to get help with the topic of communication. Whether it's because of how they were raised, their own past trauma, or life stressors...it all contributes.

There are a gazillion reasons why communication problems happen.

But what do you do about them? I have a few ideas, and maybe one will work for you, and maybe the one you try is a bust, but if you don't try, nothing will change.

1. Take a breath. Sometimes your own nervous system could be so out of whack that any little thing can trigger you, sending your heart rate to new heights. Slow breathing and awareness of the present moment can help attune your body to the here and now and keep you grounded.

2. Write down what things you think you're doing to cause disruption in communication, and what things you think your partner does to contribute. It is hardly ever going to be just one of you doing ALL the wrong things.

3. Focus on one thing on the list that you're doing and make a small change. This could be as simple as having a nicer tone of voice, taking the trash out without being asked, or talking more about your feelings when something upsets you.

A cycle can be broken by ONE person making a change. Sometimes that feels hard because it is tempting to fall into the trap of doing things to bother on purpose because we're bothered, or simply not talking at all, because that's what has always been done. I encourage you to take an honest look at yourself and your part in it, and what one thing YOU can change.

I'd love to hear which change you chose below! Stay encouraged and rather hopeful,

Gina

References

Chmielewski-Raimondo, D. A., Shamsollahi, A., Bell, S. J., & Heide, J. B. (2022). When the Honeymoon Is Over: A Theory of Relationship Liabilities and Evolutionary Processes. Journal of Marketing, 86(6), 32–49. https://doi.org/10.1177/00222429211062247